'Rona Cuts

Amidst this whole shitshow; SteveO and I have turned a pocket of our garage into a teeny tiny makeshift salon/creative area for little old me. I decided this could be a great lesson for Olson School of Learning: How to groom a dog. My first victim/client was LD (aka Little Dog)...our half bijon/poodle whatever mix rescue dog we found in the local mountains 4 years ago. Both our dogs have hair, soooo lucky me; I get to groom them during quarantine (I leave the anal squeezing to Steve haha). ANYwhooooo I set the little guy up on an upside down wicker box and plugged in my Peanut clippers. This fool had straightUP dreadlocks. Listen, there's nothing worse than gettin' up in your dogs business and coming to the realization you've pretty much neglected him for some time. Not neglect like 'we don't feed him' or 'we don't hold him and love him' yada yada but goddam we haven't groomed this fool in ages. This was gonna be his moment of glory right here and I couldn't have been prouder to make it happen for him. And boy did it happen.

So I turn my clips on and start goin to town on the longest parts of his wee little body and all of a sudden I realize I hit the skin on certain parts of him, let's just call them "patch like" areas. So like any normal person would do in this situation; I really had no choice other than to buzz him to the skin ALL over. There was no turning back. Thoughts go racing through my dome 'He's a dog, he doesn't care' as I'm seeing more and more pink skin emerge. You can't half–groom a dog...or ANYONE for that matter. I mean, you could...cuz it's 'Rona days and nobody will see...but Geezus; I was gonna have to look at this guy for the next few weeks. SOOOO BUH BYE HAIR. Sidebar...this happens to the very best of my clients who attempt to cut or "trim" their bangs. Just don't do it people. You'll end up bang–less; or better yet with a huge forehead that starts at the back of your head. A 6 head? LOL.

Back to LD...FYI he was in HEAVEN. He sat there in a trance; soaking up all the attention of me saying "what a good boyeeeeeeeeeee, who's my good angel guyyyyyy?, look at you Mitter hantom gooooooooooooooooood daaaaaaawwwwwwg!" The neighbors most definitely think I'm a goon...let's review; I left the garage door WIDE open. It's hot AF in there. HELLO NEIGHBORS. NO, NO I'M NOT A GROOMER, I'M ACTUALLY A HAIRSTYLIST (as they nod their heads slowly) I SWEAR; THIS ISN'T AN INDICATION OF MY TALENTS. Talk about embarrassing. I have to say however, LD hopped off his box and trotted proudly down our walkway sporting his new fluffy mohawk like he was on the runway at fashion week. Poor LD. What he doesn't know won't hurt him. Besides, hair grows.